#MusicMonday: Sometimes You Just Can’t Fight It

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I mean, I wouldn’t live in the entertainment capital of the world if it wasn’t, so I’m going to start doing something new every Monday.  I am going to share a song or music video that I love at that moment. So without further ado. I introduce to you Rayvon Owen and his music video for his new single “Can’t Fight It.” (see below for video).

Rayvon has come a long way since his stint on American Idol (where he was in the top 5), musically and personally.  You see, not only did he release his music video today, he also used that platform to say that he identifies as a gay man.  In the song he sings about how there are those moments where you just cannot fight the feelings that you have for people and that is where learning to trust and surrender to those feelings comes into play.

I have had the honor to meet him during his stint during American Idol, and have seen him numerous times after Idol ended and I cannot express how proud of him I am.  He is quite possibly the sweetest guy on the planet as well as humble. When it comes to his music he is a hard worker and is very passionate about his craft.  I can safely say that while yes, I am a fan of him and his music, I consider him a friend as well.

With the platform that he has, he will make a huge difference in the LGBTQ community as well as the music industry.

Please check out the interview that he did with Billboard here.

An Ode to the Annual Food Coma

To say that I am beyond stuffed from all the eating I did today would probably be the ultimate understatement of the year.

Even though the food is always a big hit when it comes to Thanksgiving, it is never the most important thing.  For me, it is a day to reflect on the things that I am thankful for, and a day to reflect on what has happened over the past 11 months.

I was talking to my friend tonight as we were working on dinner and we were telling each other what we were thankful for and I realized I have a lot to be thankful for.

First of all, I have a roof over my head and I am able to live in LA and pursue my dreams. I am also thankful for my family and friends that are there for me and support me in anything that I set my mind to.

I am also thankful for the job that I had with Wag for a few months.  I may not be working there anymore, but my time there left an impact in my life and I met some pretty awesome people that have impacted my life in many ways.

I am thankful that I have good health. It may not be perfect, but it could be worse and I am thankful that it is not.

I am thankful for a certain someone who has been a positive influence in my life and helped me grow and step out of my comfort zone in ways that I did not expect.

I am thankful that I found my voice through writing and for starting my blog earlier this year.

And last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for all of you, my readers, who put up with me randomness and are there for me when I need to vent and voice my opinion on things.  Thank you all.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

What are some things you are thankful for?

An Open Letter to the Alcoholic That I Love

I have been trying to find the words to write this post for a long time now.  This topic is something that is very emotional for me to talk about, and something that was put on my heart more over the past few months.

I am related to an alcoholic.  And to be honest, I have found this to be more difficult to deal with as time has gone by.

I have noticed over the past few months that things have gotten worse for them.  It has really opened my eyes to how serious this is, and quite honestly, how big of a problem it is for a lot of people in the world.

Because of this I started thinking back to when I was younger and back to a time when I did not really understand what was going on, and I can even see where things were wrong back then.  The broken promises. The selfishness.  The making sure you don’t plan something after a certain time because you know that by the time 5:00 (sometimes earlier) rolls around it is time to get ready to deal with the drunkenness.

I am worn out and tired of dealing with it.  Am I worried about them?  Yes, of course!  Do I want them to get help?  Absolutely!  But one thing I have learned (and still learning everyday) is that I cannot fix them and change the situation, they have to be the one to do that for themselves.  It seriously sucks sitting back and watching them kill themselves with the alcohol on a nightly basis, but that is all I CAN do right now besides pray for them.

Speaking of praying, I have also learned that instead of praying that God cures them or heals them from this disease, I need to pray that God does anything and everything to make them hit rock bottom.  I do not know what rock bottom is, but God does.

I am thankful that I live so far away and that I do not have to see this on a daily basis anymore.  If I was I would still be consumed by it and it would be harder to live my own life.  But the good thing is, I AM living my own life.  I live in a great city, I have great friends, and I have a great job that I love going to everyday, so because of those things I am able to not be consumed by it.  Do I still have my rough moments?  Yes, of course.  I am human after all.

So to this family member that struggles and deals with this disease on a daily basis, please know that I love you and that I will always fight for you and with you, but I am also backing away so that way you can hopefully realize that you are strong enough to fight this by yourself.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today marks the one-year anniversary that I have been living and pursuing my dreams of working in the Music Industry here in Hollywood, or Hollyweird as I like to call it. And honestly, looking back, so much has happened, but it all seems to have flown by in super speed.

Hollywood is a crazy place. It is also a VERY hard place to live in at times. It WILL force you to grow up and mature fast. You have to get used to being on the go at least 99.9% of the time. Believe me, being a girl who grew up in Oregon for 26 years, this was a huge adjustment for me, but I honestly would not change it for the world.

In just the last year alone, I have learned so much about myself. When I look back on the last year, I think the biggest thing that was the toughest for me to learn was on the friendship side of things. I was shown who were true friends and who were friends that over stayed their welcome. At least I know that all people who come into your life are supposed to be there for a reason, it was just their time to go, I guess. Yes, it was tough, but I am better and a stronger person because of it.

I have also learned to express myself more and be honest with my emotions and not run away from them. I am a creative person, so it is important for me to let it out, and hell, something beautiful can come out of it creativity wise. I also started going to school for Music Business and have learned a ton of interesting things just in the first two classes I have taken. Another thing I have started to dabble in is some song writing. Honestly, I never in a million years thought I would do this, but I really felt like God was calling me to be more creative lately and this is the way he wanted me to go. I don’t have a lot done, but it will get there.

One other important thing that I grew in, was my acceptance with my CP.  Over the past few months, I have gained more of an open mind with the disability world and through that this blog was born, and I am so glad it was!

When I first got to LA a year ago, the first thing I did is  what every person on the planet has probably done and gone to The Happiest Place on Earth and that basically was the kickoff to something amazing. If I could live at Disneyland I would. One of the plus sides to living where I do, I am literally only half an hour away.

Then in August I was able to go to Las Vegas for a few days with some friends. While I have had been there before with family a couple of years prior, I was really able to see The Strip and experience it a lot more than the first time. Let’s just say it was A LOT of walking and very little sleep. But it was probably one of the best trips I had taken last year.

Most recently I was able to go to a series of American Idol tapings and this really helped me network with people in the business from a business standpoint as well as personal. I met some pretty amazing people through this experience. Idol crew even called me a professional audience member. (Hey, I’ll take it!).

So in conclusion, I cannot complain with where my life is at this moment. To be completely honest, I am in the best place I have been in a very long time. And this makes me super excited to see where the next year will take me. I have some pretty awesome goals set up for myself and they are starting to look like they will all work out.

I’m off to spend this day at the beach celebrating the anniversary as well as Memorial Day! I know, life is rough when you live in sunny Southern California! 😉 Have a great holiday weekend everyone!

That One Time That I Was Told I Should Have Been Aborted

It is no secret that having a child with a disability can be difficult and hard to deal with at times. I can only imagine what my parents thought process was when the doctors told them that there was a huge possibility that I may have cerebral palsy. I am sure they were scared shitless, nervous, and probably had no idea what the hell they were getting themselves into. With that being said though, they loved me and knew that they would do anything to help me live the most normal life possible.

There have been times though that people have not understood why my parents made the choice they did and not choose abortion or adoption. I remember a specific time where my mom ended up having a conversation with someone who we know about this. Now, before I continue on with my story, I just want to say that my intention is not to attack Pro Life or Pro Choice. If you believe one of those choices that is totally fine and I respect that. I also would like to add that I do not hold ill will against this person and believe that since this conversation has passed, they have changed and grown up since then.

From what I remember of the conversation it started by this person talking about how a friend was going to have tests done to make sure that their baby was healthy. They then proceeded to say that they would not be able to handle having a child with a disability and would then abort the baby if they had found out that the baby was not “normal”. My mom told them that she believed that every baby is a gift from God, no matter if there are differences or not.

This person then made it seem like my mom should have either had me aborted or given me up for adoption. To be completely honest, this pissed both my mom and I off really bad. It was also very hurtful. They made it seem like my mom and dad made a horrible choice by keeping me and attacked them on their parenting. And it made me feel like I was worthless and I did not deserve to be alive or be with my parents.

They also asked me if I was glad to be alive and be where I was even though I deal with my disability on a daily basis. My first thought was to be a complete bitch and come back with a smart ass remark, but I decided against that and took a deep breath (even though I was fuming on the inside), and told them that I may have struggles and that it may be hard some days, but I am glad to be alive and be with the family that I have. This question also really confused me and made no sense because I do not know a life without my cerebral palsy so how can I answer a question that I do not have the answer to?

I love the life I live and the life I have. Like I have said in the past, my parents have raised me to be independent and taught me how to live as much of a normal life as possible. If it was not for them, I would not be pursuing my dreams in Los Angeles and in the music industry. Because of what they taught me, nothing is off-limits.   And because of that, I can strive to make a difference to change people’s mindsets that it would be too hard to raise a child with a disability.

Overcoming Obstacles

This week I really struggled to think of a topic to write about for this blog. That was until I came across one of my friends’ blogs about overcoming obstacles. As I was reading her blog,(Side note: If you want to check out the blog post I mention the link is: https://ashleemelda.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/do-not-let-your-struggle-become-your-identity/), it was like a light bulb went on over my head and I knew exactly what I was going to talk about.

It is no secret that everyone goes through obstacles throughout their life, no matter if they are differently abled or able-bodied. It could be an obstacle of trying to find the right job, or something more serious as learning to walk again after having a major surgery, or something small as battling writers block and trying to figure out what to write for a blog post.

Over the past few months I have had an issue with getting my balance down in the car port and near my friend’s car. For months I would feel like I could not walk without holding onto anything, or else I would lose my balance and fall, when I have been able to do this many times all by myself in the past. This became a constant thing and also became very frustrating. It was like there was an invisible wall there and I kept running into it.

After so many times, and many countless talks with my friend on what the hang up was, I realized that it was all a mental thing. Something switched in my brain to let me know that I could not do it without an aid, when I know I am very capable with walking without anything.

So how have I overcome this obstacle you ask? Well, to be honest, I still struggle with it, but it has gotten better. When I go downstairs I just make sure that I do not focus so much on holding on to anything, because I have noticed that is what screws me up in the first place. I also tell myself that it is only about a 100 ft. walk and that I can do it and that I am strong enough to do it.

If you are struggling with an obstacle in your life and you feel like it will never go away, I would like to encourage you to keep pushing forward. You may be struggling right now, but that does not mean that it will last forever (even though it may feel like it sometimes). Talk to family or friends about your obstacle and see if they have any advice on how to overcome it. I know that if I did not have the support of my friend who wanted to see me overcome it because she knew I could, I would not be where I am today.

Mythbusters Disability Edition: Diseased and Needs Help 24/7

All of my life I have heard, “Can I help you with that?” “Here, let me get that for you.” Or one of my favorites one yet, “So, are you helping out that disabled girl?” This is the type of things I get on a semi regular basis when it comes to people and dealing with my cerebral palsy.

Ever since I moved to Los Angeles almost a year ago, I have been pushed out of my comfort zone on a daily basis and have done things that I did not think that I could do, especially when it came to things dealing with my cerebral palsy. Although, I will say that the hardest and most eye-opening thing that I have had to deal with is people’s perceptions of me. And there have been a multitude of things that have come up in the last month or so that have really gotten under my skin, that I believe people need to be aware and mindful of.

What is that you ask? Well, let me tell you: Not all disabled people need a caretaker, and just because we have a disability does not mean we are diseased and the person I am going to be standing next to is going to get it. Now, you may be asking, “Katy, where in the world is this rant coming from?” Well I am going to tell you of two different instances that literally happened on the same day about a month ago.

The first incident happened when I had gotten an email to come in for an interview for an internship. To say that I was excited for this opportunity was an understatement. Sure, it wouldn’t be a paid internship, but it would at least help me get my foot in the door in the music industry. But as I continued to email with this person, the whole situation began to feel off. They wanted me to come in on Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Thursday’s until six, and the place where the internship was a good half hour away from where I live in Hollywood. I would do it, but I also had school to worry about as well and I told them that I couldn’t work until six on two of the days because of school. They of course fought back saying that I had ample time to get to class, and I was put in a position where I felt like I was backed into a corner where I had to mention my cerebral palsy. Now, I will be open and honest with anyone about my disability, that’s not an issue. I mean for crying out loud if I had an issue with it, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. But I do not tell jobs that I am disabled because I do not want that to be a defining factor in whether I get hired or not. I had to tell them that it takes me longer to get to places because of my disability and I have to leave enough time for that. This is the part that bugged me: They emailed me back and said, “I’m so sorry you suffer from this disease.” Um, last time I checked I wasn’t dying. To me I always looked at a disease as something you can die from, not a disability like mine, where it just hard for me to keep my balance and walk. However, according  to online resources, cerebral palsy is considered a disease, just not one that is considered deadly. I was unaware of this until just recently. Even I am still learning things from my disability, even after 27 years.  I ended up still setting up an appointment to have an interview, but after a couple of days I cancelled it because it just didn’t feel right going after everything that happened.

While I was dealing with the email situation, my roommate and I were doing laundry. After going to go check on the clothes, my roommate came back in and had told me of a conversation that she had with one of the other people in the apartment building while she was down there. They had actually asked about me. They had seen me around with my roommate and they thought that my roommate was my caretaker. Now, this is not the first time that this has happened. We will be out and about and people will just assume that she is my caretaker. I am setting the record straight right now. She is my best friend and roommate, not my caretaker. I do not and have I never needed a caretaker to take care of me in all my 27 years of life. My parents raised me to be strong and independent and I believe that they did a pretty damn good job. It can be very upsetting for me, as well as my roommate, and other people who I am close to because we can see what I am capable of and to have people assume that I cannot do things can be hurtful.

The positive that I take out of both of these situations is that I have a chance to share my story and show people who I am not some sick person who cannot do anything for themselves. I was able to tell the person I was emailing that there was no need or reason to feel sorry for me, that I am still the same Katy that will work her ass off when it comes to a job and that I do not give up easily.

I just want to encourage anybody that does see somebody who is disabled to not automatically jump to conclusions about whether they are sick, or cannot do things for themselves. Yes, there are people out there who have diseases, which make them not feel well on a daily basis, and yes, there are people out there who do need some extra help and do need a caretaker, but that does not mean that everyone does. I encourage you to get to know the persons story before you jump to such conclusions. I can tell you that it would make the persons day if you did something just as simple as that. Who knows you may make a new friend just by getting to know them.

#DearMe

Dear Me,

Oh boy, where do I begin? Right now you are just a teenage girl with so many dreams and aspirations, even dreams and aspirations that you know nothing about yet. I am sure that you are scared shitless of what the future holds and for what it looks like, but guess what I am here to tell you that that is okay. You will survive.

First thing to remember, life gets so much better after school. Like Brad Paisley says in his song Letter to Me, “They say that high school is the best years of your life…well I’m proof that they are wrong.” This is so true. Yes, you will have great times in high school, but you will have an even better time after school. Sure you may take a little bit longer to finish, but you will get there and it will be beyond glorious and exciting when you do.

You may struggle with wanting to be “normal” because of your CP, and I won’t lie to you, it will be a struggle for years to come, but you will get to the point where you become more open-minded in quite a few different ways with your disability. You will learn that you are just fine the way you are with your disability, even if people will want to “cure” you and make you believe that there is something wrong with you. You will also start an awesome blog telling people of your story and your struggles and highlights of your journey. You will also meet some pretty awesome people, as well as some not so awesome people throughout the years dealing with your cerebral palsy.

Speaking of finding your voice, you will become more honest with time. Probably so much so, that people will want you to shut the hell up and wish you weren’t right all the time. Trust me, you will hear this many times from your family and friends. This will eventually be coined “Honest Abe” and it will be hilarious.

When it comes to your family, you are probably dealing with a lot when it comes to them at this point. I get that it was stressful, and you cried a lot when it came to things with them. Your parents end up getting divorced, and that will probably be the hardest and darkest time in your life, but don’t worry too much, things will start to look up in a few years and your relationship with both your parents individually will be better because of it.

Speaking of better relationships, you and Kimmy will have a stronger bond over the years. Maybe it was the divorce that made you guys’ get stronger, or just the fact that you two grew up and matured and stopped fighting like five-year olds. The important thing is your sister will become one of your best friends and someone who you know you can go to with anything no matter how small or stupid it is.

As for relationships with guys…don’t worry so much about needing a boyfriend during school, you have too much going on during that time to even focus on that. Sure, you will have big crushes on guys, but those will fade over time, some quicker than others, but you will find the right guy for you in the future. Spoiler Alert: You’re still looking and he’s still hiding, but he can’t hide forever right?

When it comes to friendships with your friends in school, most of them will still be your friends for a very long time, others not so much. There will be friends that you had been friends with for years that you just have to cut ties with and be done with the friendship to better yourself, but there will also be friends that you may lose contact with and get reconnected and have a stronger friendship after the fact. Cherish every single friendship though, because every single one gives you a lesson to learn.

You will eventually move to Los Angeles and this will be a great learning lesson for you that you need to grow up. Through this, you will gain a stronger relationship with God, and learn not just a lot about yourself, but how the world can be. It will be hard, and you will get knocked down quite a few times, but you will stand back up and be stronger after the fact. You will also start to believe in your gut a lot more. Trust me, it is Hollywood after all. This is also around the time that you realize that you want to work in the Music Industry, and through that you are able to work with a record label. Through this you will meet your best friend and start a friendship that you will cherish for a long time, even to this day.

As for other inspirations, you will have a special place in your heart for a little known band called The Jonas Brothers and they will help you get through a lot of personal stuff, even if they don’t know about it yet. But just a warning, they will break up and go their separate ways, but don’t worry too much, they ARE still brothers and they won’t disappear altogether. Also, while you may think Zac Efron is a beautiful person as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, trust me, he gets better with age.

Most importantly, know that you are loved, funny, confident, strong, beautiful, as well as very stubborn, but that will help you not back down with what you want to do in life. If anything that shows how much you refuse to give up. So keep shining your light. You will change lives, trust me.

To Be Healed, Or Not Be Healed….That Is The Question

Throughout the years I have had to deal with many struggles when it came to my disability. Whether it be learning how to walk and gaining my balance without my walker, or just something as trivial as taking a shower, or tying my shoes. But I think one of the biggest struggles that I had to deal with (and still deal with to this day) was being healed or cured from my cerebral palsy.

Growing up, that never came up in conversation. I was who I was and that was okay. But as I grew older and started to find my place in the world and check out different churches, I kept hearing, “Have you prayed and asked God to heal you?” I would always be honest and answer no because I was under the impression that I was fine, that I didn’t need to be healed. But the questions continued. So much so that I started to believe that there was something wrong with me if I was not praying for this.

When I moved to Los Angeles for the first time and was a missionary for about a year, I dealt with this on daily basis. I honestly felt like I had a target on my back. It was like “Oh, look, there’s that girl with her walker, we should go try to heal her so she doesn’t have to use that anymore.” Most of the time it came from visiting churches and not the people who I was around 24/7, so this made it super difficult. I honestly felt like I was being bullied and being told, “You’re not worth it unless you’re healed.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I did not and still don’t have an issue for people praying for me in their own time, but if you want to pray with me I just ask that you get to know me first as a person and get to know my heart before you ask that question. Please do not just assume.

I actually had an incident about a month ago where a guy was eyeing my walker and trying to make eye contact with me during a church function and he started to talk to me. I had never seen this guy in my entire life, so he knew nothing about me. He asked me why I used my walker, and not even ten seconds later, he asked if he could pray healing over me. I told thank you but no. This is just a prime example of someone not really caring about me as a person but wanting to “play God”, so to speak.

One thing people would get to know about me if they really took the time to listen is that there was one time that I ended up not having to have surgery on my foot when I was supposed to. I had surgery about a year before this incident and it did not heal correctly as it should have, so my foot started to hurt really bad again. I went back to my doctor and they said that they were going to have to graft some of my hipbone into my toe to help the healing process. To say that I was not happy about this would have been the understatement of the year.

Fast-forward about six months later, I felt like my foot was feeling a lot better. I was able to walk on it for longer periods of time, and it wasn’t swelling anymore. I really felt like I did not have to have the surgery. So my mom and I headed up to Shriner’s on my surgery day and all I remember talking about on the two-hour ride up there was that I was not going to have to have surgery. We finally make it up there and me being the person that I am didn’t even say hi to the person checking me in, I automatically said, “My foot feels better can we please take an x-ray so that way I don’t have surgery if I don’t need to.”

I don’t remember much after that other than the fact that the doctor took FOREVER to come in after the x-ray, but when he did it was only to bring good news. He said that the toe had indeed healed and it looked like there was some tissue or cartilage that had formed over it so I did not need to have surgery. I was so excited! All I remember after that was saying thank you a thousand and one times and then surprising my dad by being home later that night.

So I am not saying that I don’t believe that God cannot do miracles, the story that I just told you is one of them, but I am not going to live my life searching to be healed. I am going to live my life and I believe God has a plan for me with my cerebral palsy. I believe that this blog is one of them and I am beyond grateful for it.

For the people who are disabled and do not like it and wish to be cured from it, which is fine, but please, do not make that your idol. Do not obsess over the fact that you need to be healed to feel whole. You don’t. Find what you love about yourself in the here and now and work with that. I guarantee that you will find out a lot about yourself when you do that. Trust me that is what happened to me, and hell, I’m still learning to this day!

Also, to the people who would rather focus on curing someone from their disability rather than getting to know that person, maybe you should slow your roll, take a step back and live in the here and now and see what good this person is doing, and honestly just get to know this person before you make the assumption that they need to be healed. Because believe me, it is a huge turn off and makes the whole “Christian church” look horrible when someone is pushy and narrow-minded like that.

Would I change any of those situations that I mentioned above? No, I wouldn’t because through those situations I became the person I am today, and I will be forever grateful for them. I can confidently say now that I love who I am and would not change it for the world.

Letting Go and Moving On Part II

Please read Letting Go and Moving On Part I before you read this post if you have not done so already.

People always say that hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes you have to separate yourself from a situation to look at it with clear eyes and a clear mind, but then there are times that you think you can see clearly when you are right smack dab in the middle of a situation. This is what happened to me, and boy was I wrong and looking back I could not believe that I bought so much with what my friend Francis was saying.

As I mentioned in the previous post, it seemed like her attitude changed practically overnight. While the old Francis would be outgoing and wanting to talk to anyone and everyone, she became withdrawn and refused to get out of bed for days. Now, when this happened I was not living in LA anymore, but I did talk to her on the phone on a regular basis. When I would talk to her on the phone she was very emotional most of the time. I will say though that during this time, one of her dogs passed away unexpectedly, which I will agree would make anyone emotional with a loss like that, and I did feel for her. But after that, things just continued to get even stranger.

Shortly after her dogs untimely passing, I got a phone call from her and she was absolutely hysterical. It took me a while to figure out what was going on. When I was finally able to understand her, she had said that her apartment had gotten broken into and her laptop was gone. I could understand why she was freaking out and scared, I would be to if it had happened to me. However, my sympathy for her only lasted for a short time after that. A few weeks later, I found out that her new laptop that she had bought was once again “stolen”. This is when I started to get suspicious. Now I knew she didn’t live in the best area and that yes, break-ins happened frequently, but with her recent change of attitude and the recent events that happened, something was telling me that she might be on drugs, which she has admitted to being on drugs at one point in her life.

I have personally been around and seen people who I am very close to that have dealt with addictions so this is not something I am new to. I remember asking her if she was okay because she seemed very weird and off to me and she claimed she was just depressed and that she would be fine, and I believed her. That’s the thing though with people who have drug and alcohol problems, they will do anything and everything to convince their family and friends that they are okay, when they are clearly not.

After the whole laptop incident I started to keep my distance from her. It wasn’t like I was in town to see her all the time anyways. As more time passed she became more and more possessive and stalker like. I would come into town for a couple of weeks to visit and I could not go a day without hearing from her either via Facebook, texting, or calling me on a daily basis asking me to hang out with her. What she did not seem to understand every single time was that I was continuously busy doing my own thing and I had prior commitments that I had already made with other friends. She would either make it seem like I needed to a) ditch my friends and hang out with her every single day, or, b) have her tag along everywhere I went. As you can imagine, this became very annoying. I finally talked to her about it and her explanation was that she really admired me and wanted to hang out with me all the time because of that. Do not get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that she looked up to me from the CP standpoint, but the admiration was honestly starting to look and turn into some sort of obsession thing, because it only got worse from there.

As time went on, she continued to pressure me for attention and would constantly like and comment on almost everything on Facebook that I would post. Once again, it got to be too much so I would talk to her about it, she would get upset and feel bad, back off for a month or so, then she would go back into her old habits again. This is when I decided that I needed a break from her for good, (or so I thought), and I decided to block her from everything social media wise as well as the phone.

It was also about that time that I started feeling like something was once again off with her, and it was not like the first time with the laptops. I had this gut feeling that it was a bit more personal and had to deal with me on a more intimate level. With the way she was acting towards me, as well as the vibes that I was getting from her I started to believe that she may have developed feelings for me on a more intimate level than just friends.

Before I go on with this part of the story, let me tell you first that I am a HUGE supporter of the LGBTQ community and will defend anyone who is getting shafted because of their sexual orientation. However, that does not mean that I am by any means a lesbian. I am straight. Always have been. Always will be.

Fast-forward about four or five months later, and by this time I am living in LA full-time once again. I was minding my own business one day, going about my everyday life, when my friend tells me that she got an email from Francis and she wanted to talk. We decided that we would talk to her together and work out our differences and move on. A few days later, we headed over to talk to her at her place and we ended up talking about everything and make up so to speak. I was thinking, “Okay, maybe God wants to restore the friendship and maybe, just maybe she has changed and isn’t as weird anymore.” I was willing to give it one more shot. But honestly, as time went on and as I was hanging out with her again, I could not get the nagging voice in my head and gut feeling to go away that she had stronger feelings for me than just friendship. It honestly started to eat away at me. I would get physically sick. I am not one for confrontation usually and ESPECIALLY on a topic like this one.

After many, and yes I mean many, days and nights of praying and talking to family and friends about it, I finally decided to bite the bullet and just ask her straight out if there was any deeper feelings there, and believe me I dreaded having this conversation like the plague. Once again, I was physically sick. I could not sleep at all the night before I had dinner with her to talk to her about this because my brain was going a million miles a minute.

When I got there, she knew something was up and that I was nervous about something, and I was not quiet about being nervous either. I had told her that the question that I had to ask was probably the hardest question I had to ask anyone because 1) I did not want to come off as a hateful bitch in the slightest and make gays and lesbians think I do not care for them because of their sexual orientation, and 2.) I have never had to have a conversation with someone like this before so I was uncomfortable and did not know what I was getting myself into. When I finally blurted it out, I felt this huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders, but at the same time, a look of shock was replaced onto Francis’ face. I also noticed she would not look me in the eye and would just focus her eyes more on the ground. She instantly started to cry and deny anything of a sort. She has admitted that there have been other people in her life that have thought the same thing, which honestly to me raised some red flags with whether or not she was being honest with me or not. I also told her that if she was that it was okay to tell me and that I would support her in that, but I would not share the same feelings that she had.

At the end of that conversation, I was left feeling a mixture of emotions. I felt very drained from the conversation and it also did not help that I was running on no sleep and was basically living off Starbucks. Also looking back, since hindsight is 20/20, I felt very confused. I was not sure how to take the conversation as a whole, and maybe that is because of the red flags that were raised. I only got it more confirmed for me the next day when she called me to see if we were okay and she had told me that she was up all night crying because of the topic I had brought up. Personally, I thought that was strange considering she swore up and down that she did not feel that way.

Because of this conversation that we had about six months ago, as well as her getting a little bit more obsessive in the past few months with doing the Facebook liking and commenting, as well as text and call me constantly wanting to hang out (after I had told her that I was super busy since I had come back home from the holidays, which fell onto deaf ears), I finally decided it was time to cut her out of my life for good. I was done trying to explain myself.

I fully believe that friendships are put in our lives for a reason and I believe that she was put in my life to really help me see how a lot of people with disabilities as well as other people who are not disabled label and stereotype themselves or others basically saying that they do not and cannot get the independence to do everyday life things independently. Because of this situation, a fire was lit under my ass to start the Stereotypically Able movement, so for that Francis, I thank you. And goodbye.