#MusicMonday: This Is My Fight Song

This weeks song that I chose was Rachel Platten and her song “Fight Song.”

If you haven’t heard of Rachel Platten, she broke out into the music scene last year with this song and it was an instant hit.  It seemed like everywhere I turned, or every radio station that I turned on was playing this song every hour on the hour.  She just recently released her first full length album “Wildfire” at the first of the year and is continuing with hit songs like “Stand By You.”

This song really speaks to me and about my life here in Los Angeles and being in the music industry.  Like I have said about a thousand times before, living here in LA and being in the music industry is not easy for anyone, let alone being disabled and pursuing a life in the music industry. It takes a very strong willed person to keep pursing and fighting every day.

My dad came to visit me a few weeks ago and he finally got a glimpse of what my life is like here in good ol’ Hollywood. I was excited to see him, and am very happy that I got to spend some time with him.  I know my dad loves me unconditionally and supports me in anything that I want to do with my life, but I sometimes feel like he doesn’t understand why I decided to move all the way to LA to pursue a job that probably has the most unstable job market out there.   Yes, it is not the most stable job environment, but it keeps me on the edge of my seat most days.  But want to know something?  I wouldn’t have it any other way. For example, a wise person once said that if there is something else that you are good at, and pursuing music isn’t your only option, go do that because the music industry is no cake walk.  I have never been one to settle down with a 9 to 5 job. To me that is way to boring.  I want excitement.  I want something new to happen every day.  This is why I am pursing a certificate at UCLA in their Music Business program.  This is why I go to tapings and concerts and network with people from all around.  I am learning every day, and yes, there are days where I have no idea what the hell I am doing, but it’s all a learning experience. This is why I always ask people to trust me.

I am a fighter and I don’t give up easily and when I set my mind to something I make sure it is accomplished, come hell or high water.  Because like the song says, “I still gotta fight left in me.”

 

Life Is Full Of Choices

Life is full of choices.

Sometimes this can be as simple as what clothes we want to wear that day to what we want to eat.

However, we also can make bad choices as well.

Recently, I have been going through some personal stuff and it has not been the easiest to deal with.  I had been holding on to the anger, anxiety, and hurt.  This caused me to not be easy to be around.  I was withdrawing as well as on the verge of losing some great people in my life. Thats when my best friend came to me and told me that it is all about the choices we make.  I could sit there and be depressed and pissed off or I could make the choice to let it go and be happy.

I decided to do the latter and let it go and be happy.  Yes, I am still pissed off about certain situations but I am choosing to move on and not dwell on it.  If I have a moment where it does bother me, then I will be honest with it, voice it, then move on.

Has anyone else had issues with making the choice of holding on to bad emotions and letting them control your life?  If so, what did you do to let it go?

A Year Can Pass By In A Blink Of An Eye

A year ago today, I posted my first blog post with this post right here, and little did I know my life would never be the same.  I started this blog with a mission in mind to stop stereotypes that are put on the disabled unnecessarily.  I can honestly say that while the problem is still out there, I have made an impact in people’s lives to be more mindful of the stereotyping that happens.

I have also shared a lot of stories and things I have gone through throughout the year as I live in the craziness that is known as Hollywood as I pursue my dream of working in the music industry.

Crazy how much can change in just one year, and how fast one year can go by.  I have learned a lot in many different ways over this past year, including by all my 245+ followers and I look forward to connecting and learning more from all of you in the next year(s) ahead. So this is my huge thank you to all of you that have put up with me these 365 days and here is to many more days and years together.

The Year of Learning How to Surrender

In past years I had tried making New Years Resolutions, but to no avail they never stick.  So I decided to do something a little different this year.  I would think of a word that would help define my 2016.   It took a while for me to figure it out, but the word came to me last night.  The word for my 2016 is: Surrender.

The last couple of months have not been the easiest for me health wise. Nothing too serious and it isn’t life threatening, but it is very annoying and there are days where I feel like the health issues control my life.  Last night was one of those nights, but it also was different because that was also my breaking point.  It was clear, I needed to surrender and let it go.  I suck at that, always have, but this is the year where I am going to grow in that area.  It’s not just going to help in health issues that I may have, but also other areas of my life, whether that be in relationships, or jobs etc.

So the motto for the year for me is “Let Go, and Let God” and remember that I cannot control every little thing in my life.

Overcoming Obstacles

This week I really struggled to think of a topic to write about for this blog. That was until I came across one of my friends’ blogs about overcoming obstacles. As I was reading her blog,(Side note: If you want to check out the blog post I mention the link is: https://ashleemelda.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/do-not-let-your-struggle-become-your-identity/), it was like a light bulb went on over my head and I knew exactly what I was going to talk about.

It is no secret that everyone goes through obstacles throughout their life, no matter if they are differently abled or able-bodied. It could be an obstacle of trying to find the right job, or something more serious as learning to walk again after having a major surgery, or something small as battling writers block and trying to figure out what to write for a blog post.

Over the past few months I have had an issue with getting my balance down in the car port and near my friend’s car. For months I would feel like I could not walk without holding onto anything, or else I would lose my balance and fall, when I have been able to do this many times all by myself in the past. This became a constant thing and also became very frustrating. It was like there was an invisible wall there and I kept running into it.

After so many times, and many countless talks with my friend on what the hang up was, I realized that it was all a mental thing. Something switched in my brain to let me know that I could not do it without an aid, when I know I am very capable with walking without anything.

So how have I overcome this obstacle you ask? Well, to be honest, I still struggle with it, but it has gotten better. When I go downstairs I just make sure that I do not focus so much on holding on to anything, because I have noticed that is what screws me up in the first place. I also tell myself that it is only about a 100 ft. walk and that I can do it and that I am strong enough to do it.

If you are struggling with an obstacle in your life and you feel like it will never go away, I would like to encourage you to keep pushing forward. You may be struggling right now, but that does not mean that it will last forever (even though it may feel like it sometimes). Talk to family or friends about your obstacle and see if they have any advice on how to overcome it. I know that if I did not have the support of my friend who wanted to see me overcome it because she knew I could, I would not be where I am today.

To Be Healed, Or Not Be Healed….That Is The Question

Throughout the years I have had to deal with many struggles when it came to my disability. Whether it be learning how to walk and gaining my balance without my walker, or just something as trivial as taking a shower, or tying my shoes. But I think one of the biggest struggles that I had to deal with (and still deal with to this day) was being healed or cured from my cerebral palsy.

Growing up, that never came up in conversation. I was who I was and that was okay. But as I grew older and started to find my place in the world and check out different churches, I kept hearing, “Have you prayed and asked God to heal you?” I would always be honest and answer no because I was under the impression that I was fine, that I didn’t need to be healed. But the questions continued. So much so that I started to believe that there was something wrong with me if I was not praying for this.

When I moved to Los Angeles for the first time and was a missionary for about a year, I dealt with this on daily basis. I honestly felt like I had a target on my back. It was like “Oh, look, there’s that girl with her walker, we should go try to heal her so she doesn’t have to use that anymore.” Most of the time it came from visiting churches and not the people who I was around 24/7, so this made it super difficult. I honestly felt like I was being bullied and being told, “You’re not worth it unless you’re healed.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I did not and still don’t have an issue for people praying for me in their own time, but if you want to pray with me I just ask that you get to know me first as a person and get to know my heart before you ask that question. Please do not just assume.

I actually had an incident about a month ago where a guy was eyeing my walker and trying to make eye contact with me during a church function and he started to talk to me. I had never seen this guy in my entire life, so he knew nothing about me. He asked me why I used my walker, and not even ten seconds later, he asked if he could pray healing over me. I told thank you but no. This is just a prime example of someone not really caring about me as a person but wanting to “play God”, so to speak.

One thing people would get to know about me if they really took the time to listen is that there was one time that I ended up not having to have surgery on my foot when I was supposed to. I had surgery about a year before this incident and it did not heal correctly as it should have, so my foot started to hurt really bad again. I went back to my doctor and they said that they were going to have to graft some of my hipbone into my toe to help the healing process. To say that I was not happy about this would have been the understatement of the year.

Fast-forward about six months later, I felt like my foot was feeling a lot better. I was able to walk on it for longer periods of time, and it wasn’t swelling anymore. I really felt like I did not have to have the surgery. So my mom and I headed up to Shriner’s on my surgery day and all I remember talking about on the two-hour ride up there was that I was not going to have to have surgery. We finally make it up there and me being the person that I am didn’t even say hi to the person checking me in, I automatically said, “My foot feels better can we please take an x-ray so that way I don’t have surgery if I don’t need to.”

I don’t remember much after that other than the fact that the doctor took FOREVER to come in after the x-ray, but when he did it was only to bring good news. He said that the toe had indeed healed and it looked like there was some tissue or cartilage that had formed over it so I did not need to have surgery. I was so excited! All I remember after that was saying thank you a thousand and one times and then surprising my dad by being home later that night.

So I am not saying that I don’t believe that God cannot do miracles, the story that I just told you is one of them, but I am not going to live my life searching to be healed. I am going to live my life and I believe God has a plan for me with my cerebral palsy. I believe that this blog is one of them and I am beyond grateful for it.

For the people who are disabled and do not like it and wish to be cured from it, which is fine, but please, do not make that your idol. Do not obsess over the fact that you need to be healed to feel whole. You don’t. Find what you love about yourself in the here and now and work with that. I guarantee that you will find out a lot about yourself when you do that. Trust me that is what happened to me, and hell, I’m still learning to this day!

Also, to the people who would rather focus on curing someone from their disability rather than getting to know that person, maybe you should slow your roll, take a step back and live in the here and now and see what good this person is doing, and honestly just get to know this person before you make the assumption that they need to be healed. Because believe me, it is a huge turn off and makes the whole “Christian church” look horrible when someone is pushy and narrow-minded like that.

Would I change any of those situations that I mentioned above? No, I wouldn’t because through those situations I became the person I am today, and I will be forever grateful for them. I can confidently say now that I love who I am and would not change it for the world.

#TheStruggleIsReal

When I decided to start this blog, I knew that I wanted to change people’s thoughts and perceptions on how they saw people with physical disabilities. However, I did not know how much I, as well as some of those close to me, would be put in situations where I would actively be learning as well, and to be honest, it has been a hell of a week with being put to the test.

Throughout the week I got to see first hand how naïve people could really be when it comes to viewing people who have a physical difficulty, and all in different ways. First, was an incident that dealt with my roommate where someone had asked her about me and assumed that she was my caretaker. Now, this is not the first time that this has happened. This is super frustrating for both her and I because she knows I am capable of doing a lot of things by myself, and I pride myself in knowing that I can do these things.

Second, I had a job opportunity come up that I took advantage of, but as I was talking to the person I would be working for, their mood instantly changed when I told them that I was disabled and used a walker. Their response basically said that they were sorry that I had a “terrible disease.” This no doubt upset me tremendously because I do not see how it is a terrible thing in the least. I mean, good lord, I’m not going to infect anyone if I am in the same vicinity as the people I am around.

Lastly, and this is a constant struggle that I have to deal with, I came in contact with someone a few nights ago while I was at a church function who saw my walker and asked if they could pray for healing for me so that I could walk without the walker. At this point you can only imagine that I am now rolling my eyes and getting super frustrated. On top of that situation I was dealing with a building that was hard for me to get into with stairs that had no railings (or ramps for that matter), and someone once again asking my roommate questions that I could have answered myself.

Over the next couple of weeks I want to delve into these situation a little bit deeper because this is not the first time that these situations have happened. Although they can be super frustrating, every single one of the situations have taught me valuable lessons over the years and I am looking forward to sharing them with you over the coming weeks.